Being a married man’s mistress is likely to be an experience laced with intense and emotional ups and downs as well as endless moral dilemmas. The festive season can provide some particularly difficult days for both parties.
Christmas Day is traditionally a time to spend with the family. Differences of the past year should be put aside, with goodwill to all men.
However, if you are a single woman, and in the throes of a steamy affair with a married man, Christmas can be a tortuous time for you. No, you definitely won’t be feeling much goodwill towards him when the Ho, Ho, Ho season forces you apart for a week or two.
Images of your love interest enjoying family time with his wife and maybe some children, fill your every thought.
No matter what half-hearted plans you have made to distract yourself and fill the gap, trust me, Christmas is crap when you are the other woman.
I know. I’ve been there, done that, for 10, yes TEN Christmases on the trot, and it’s only now, with the benefit of age and hindsight, that I realise how stupid I was.
Yes, I regret all the times I’ve sat on a sofa sobbing into my snowball. Sorry for the number of times I chose the saddest Christmas songs to play on a loop.. yes Elvis I am lonely this effin’ Christmas! Sorry too, for wallowing in self pity and embarrassed for all the times I bored my friends to sleep with phone calls, willing them to tell me what I wanted to hear – ‘yes, of course, he’s miserable too’, ‘yes, of course, he’d rather be with you’.
When in reality, they just wanted to tell me to ‘shut the fuck up’, and that I was a ‘bloody idiot’ for hanging on in there for so long. They would have been so right!
Whilst there may be some females who kind of prefer being the other woman, I really don’t believe it’s a choice that’s consciously made. It just happens.
Oh yes, today I’m going to seek out a married man, jump into bed with him, fall in love, then wait years for him to leave his wife, whilst contently feeding off the crumbs from his (free time) loaf – said no sane woman ever!
It kind of happens before you realise it. Then, sooner or later, (much sooner if you’ve crossed the line at the office Christmas party), December looms and fun time with his family takes precedence over sexy fun time with you.
No amount of sulking, crying, histrionics and drama from you will change that. He WILL have to do the husband thing, he will have to do the Dad thing, he will have to do the family thing, and honestly, there is nothing you can do about it. It’s put up and shut up time.
If you think you are in this relationship for the long haul, get used to it, as it’ll be rinse and repeat for family holidays, Bank Holidays, birthdays, weddings and funerals. He will have to be there. Family comes first every time.
Depending on your situation and relationship, Christmas, for all you mistresses out there, will go something like this:
You will of course have YOUR special night. Usually towards the end of the working week before the Christmas close down. He can get away with this one, under the excuse of a work do.
He will pull out all the stops for your date and so will you, but for totally different reasons.
You will get a fantastic glow-up, a new outfit, fresh hair and nails and wear sexy come-to-bed underwear. He’ll have booked a room…
Your motive is to let him know, and remember what he’s missing whilst he’s at home with the missus and HIS description of her in apple-picker grey knickers and teddy bear PJs. You’ll fill in the gaps and automatically make them several sizes bigger than they actually are.
He will be feeling the pressure and be in the guilt zone, knowing that he will be going home to fulfil his husbandly duties while leaving you feeling like shit!
What he wants YOU to remember is the lovely gift he’s chosen, just for you. The expensive meal at the spraunchy restaurant, maybe the beautiful flowers on the table too. The sweet nothings and reassurances he’s whispered in your ear, along with the lingering smell of his aftershave long after he’s put you in a cab.
It’s at this point, I’ve come to realise, is the time when a married man and a single woman who are having an affair together, deal with Christmas totally differently.
Whilst the female is emotionally bereft, despondent, sad and almost waits for it all to be over, the man just closes that side of his life down for as long as is necessary and embraces the whole festive family fun thing.
He almost refuses to let it intrude on the life he has to live until the needles drop off his Christmas tree and he’s on the 7.30 a.m. train again at the beginning of January.
Yes, you may be lucky to get the odd hurried phone call whilst he’s putting the bins out on Boxing Day, but men are masters at compartmentalising their life.
Once they walk through the door of the family home, that’s where 100% of their attention is. Maybe they really can’t deal with more than one thing at a time, as is attributed to them.
There will be thousands and thousands of other women spending Christmas alone with their thoughts. Naturally, they may not be entirely alone; they too of course will see their own families and friends, but certainly, they will be feeling alone in a crowd.
Ironically, in all this, is the fact that the solo mistress should not feel in the least bit vulnerable or left out. They hold all the cards in the relationship… think about it.
Married man, wife, kids, mortgage, bills, responsibilities, is also in a relationship with a fabulous SINGLE female, who can go out and party whenever she likes over the festive season with whoever she likes and with nobody to answer to.
He will be at home with his wife and children, but he can never be really sure where his other woman is! So who actually has the better deal here?
So mistresses, don’t sit at home moping, thinking that your lover is swinging from the chandeliers with his wife. He won’t be. He’ll be emptying the dishwasher, picking up the dog poo, wiping bums and snotty noses, having a domestic difference of opinion – all this and more.
You on the other hand have a free pass to do your thing, without the need for him to be available. It’s Christmas and you could and should have a good time without him.
So indulge yourself for a change. See solo friends, married friends and above all your own family. Hug your Mum and Dad, enjoy silly board games with Granny and Grandad, eat chocs, go to the spa, go to the sales. Do YOUR thing.
Perhaps even spend an hour or so to reflect on how you deserve much, much more next year! Maybe you are genuinely happy to play the mistress role and if you are then fine. But if you actually had a better time without him perhaps you need a rethink. Is this phoney relationship actually blocking you from finding someone who may really love you and want to commit to you, and only you? It’s your choice.